“I was right there. I could have seen it all. I had sensed it maybe. But lies are easily deflected when you trust too much. More than trust. When you cannot imagine that in your life someone could hurt you like this.
Then you start reminiscing every day and every conversation that you had. What was lie and what wasn’t. Everything, the smiles and the joy, they just get drained like water in the bath. Dirty water. Feel how cold it gets before reaching for the towel? When you try to forget but it’s like coming back to the bathroom with your socks on and they get wet. I had no pleasure whatsoever in getting my hopes up, living in limbo, like trying to stay balanced, you know 9 out of 10 times you end up breaking your jaw on the ground anyways. What is the point then. Time is trying to tell that you are not healed yet, that you can still relapse, but you can’t get back even for the slight chance of survival.
Some people make a tape of themselves at their worst so that when they are on the verge of relapse, they see what they were not able to see in the first place. When you overcome an emotional trauma, you need to see to realize that lies brought you there in the first place.”